This story is set in Mera Bharat Mahaan (MBM) the land of the rising sin. You must be wondering where you would find this land. If you were an astronaut and were visiting your girl friend in Mars and happened to look out of the window, somewhere midway in your flight, then you would see a lump of land shaped like a virgin's pubis.
Well, that lump of land is MBM. But, believe me, there is nothing virginal about MBM. Its people, culture, land, environment, ethos and value system have all been raped, mauled and butchered scores of times.
Let us now move from the chaos of MBM to the tranquility of 'Heaven Unlimited'. Lord Inder, Director, Corporate Planning, was in his chamber enjoying a siesta with his eyes wide open.
The three key members of his secretariat - Rambha, Urvashi and Menaka - were busy performing their daily chores.
Rambha was massaging his two hands, Urvashi his two legs, and Menaka was massaging '.anyway, as I was telling you , everything was hunky-dory in HU.
Just then there was a soft knock on the door and a young man entered. The three pairs of hands disappeared for a split second and reappeared holding a notebook each.
Lord Inder commenced his dictation to his stenos.
The young man coughed and Lord Inder looked up .
'Yes, Unthonee Muni, park your' I mean sit down.'
Unthonee Muni sat down his eyes fixed on the luscious curves of the three divine beauties.
Five minutes later Lord Inder looked up and said, 'So, Tony, are you ready? Have you packed everything ?'
'Okay, then before you start off on your mission let me give you a sneak preview of MBM.'
With these words Lord Inder picked up a remote and pressed a switch.
The huge screen in front of him came alive and Lajjit Sharma of Baap ki Badaulatfame appeared on the screen.
'Welcome, viewers,' he began. 'Today is the Ides of May and the time is twenty three hours. Earth 'shaking events are taking place in MBM. Lend me your beautiful ears and lovely eyes as I take you on a quick tour,' As the viewers stared mesmerized the drama unfolded before their very eyes:
In Amchi Mumbai Shobha Day was adding the final touches to her latest bestseller Sexy Sundaes. In her first book Shobha Day had used four letter words on every alternate page. In her second labor of literary passion, to satisfy the demands of her more literary minded and discerning fans, she had used four letter words in every alternate paragraph. But this too had not entirely pleased her ardent admirers. Some of them had accused her of ignoring the hoi polloi and indulging only her elite fans by writing about their lusts and crimes.
In her latest masterpiece she had concentrated on the slum dwellers of Ghatkopar and laced her works with liberal doses of Hindi four letter words. This, she felt, would be viewed as a very patriotic gesture on her part.
To make things simple for her English speaking fans she had provided a detailed glossary of the English translations of the Hindi four letter words.
An extract of her book had been published in the latest edition of Overlook.
Shobha Day had just received a phone call from Bal Thokoray, the self-proclaimed Messiah of Mumbai.
He had accused Shobha Day of anti-Marathi sentiment and had warned her that if she did not include Marathi four letter words in her book a bonfire would be made of all the copies and she would be chucked into it.
Shobha Day had immediately called her maid and maali and had a literary session with them. She was now busy adding Marathi gaalis.
In Rajdhani Delhi, the auditorium was filled with a sense of expectancy. The Puppies - Prosperous Urban Punjabis, the Pussies - Prosperous Urban Sindhies and Pumas - Prosperous Urban Madrasis - were all there in large numbers.
Suddenly there was a kind of hush all over the hall as his Corporate highness Yuppie Baba strode on the stage. He was wearing a Louis Philip shirt, a Calvin Klein suit, a Zegna tie and Gucci shoes. A Christian Dior watch and an exotic French perfume completed his ensemble of quiet, understated dignity. His hair was permed, his nails manicured and he had just had his fourteenth facial of the week.
On reaching centre stage he grabbed the mike and declared, 'My dear nine to five comrades, at last we are together. After leading my corporate brethren in Botswana, Somalia and Turkmenistan into the heaven of Yuppiedom I am back in the land where I attained enlightenment.
I still remember the day vividly. It was the 1st of April and I had been fired once again. This was the seventh job I had lost in seven months. To elevate my spirits and if possible a portion of my flesh I switched on the idiot box and zeroed in on 'Quick Rise' the adult channel. A dance ballet called Monika was in progress. Mika as Bill and Rakhee Saawan, in the eponymous role, were cavorting to the tunes of Diler Bhindi's latest Pop Bhangra 'Bolo duh duh duh!', inspired by Big Moose of Archie fame. After performing the cigar sequence as they moved closer for oral interaction something landed on my head and I blanked out.
When I came to, I found that a framed photograph of Lord Krishna placed lovingly on the wall by my late mummyji had made contact with my cerebrum (or is it cerebellum?). As I picked up the photo and looked into the eyes of the Lord, enlightenment struck me like the proverbial bolt from the blue. I lost complete touch with reality - it was silent communion between me and Giridhar..... And at that very instant Yuppiesm was born!'
Yuppie Baba paused, allowing his profound words of wisdom to sink in.
'Can you tell me who is the first Yuppie of the world?' he questioned.
There was a complete silence for a full minute and then Baar Baar Peekarmarjani, the spokesman for the Pussies, gently queried, 'Was it Todarmal?'
Yuppie Baba laughed and said, 'No! No! No! My dear Peekarmarjani, you are thousands of years off the mark. The first Yuppie of this world was Banke Bihari, Devaki-nandan, our very own Lord Krishna. Just consider what were the three things dearest to him? The three Ms - Maakhan, Melody and Maidens. And what do the Yuppies of today like - Moolah, Music and Monica or Madonna. Whether we speak figuratively or literally, doesn't it amount to the same thing? What I am trying to emphasize is that Kittu was fond of good life. He was not like Rama roaming the jungles with a wild assortment of creatures like a benevolent ringmaster of a wandering circus. And like Rama our Kanhaiya was not a prude. While Ram went around mooning over his Sitay, Krishna merrily played the field with Radha, Rukmini, his Gopikas and his small and compact harem of sixteen thousand raanis. Even in his value system he was like the Yuppies of today. To him the end justified the means. Not for Keshav idealism, duty and all that kind of bull manure. He believed in winning at all costs and if this meant asking Arjuna to kill his cousins, uncles and Gurus he didn't mince words. Today we talk about corporate mergers and takeovers. But who started it all? It was the one and only Gopal. By getting his favorite disciple to marry half a dozen times he managed to expand the kingdom of the Pandavas.'
Yuppie Baba's fiery eloquence and compelling logic had the desired effect. There was a thunderous applause and shouts of 'Jai Jai Kittu, Jai Jai Gopal and , Om Yuppie Namah,' filled the air.
After the applause had died down, Karrupshun Singh the CMD of Profits India Limitless got up and said, 'Yuppie Baba, what are your instructions to us? What should we do to attain Yuppiedom?'
'First and foremost we have to unite all the Yuppies under one banner. With my creative fourth eye I can see there is a lot of infighting amongst you. The Pussies can't stand the Puppies and the Pumas can't even stand each other. At this rate what you will attain is Yuppiedoom not Yuppiedom. Remember, my call to all of you is 'Yuppies of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your stresses and strains'. Once this is achieved we have to start the struggle for our own land on the lines of the struggle for Gorkhaland and Khalistan. My aim is to create a Utopia which is of, by, and for the Yuppies.'
Yuppie Baba stared at his converts for a few vital seconds and then declared, 'Now all of you join me in singing the Yuppie anthem inspired by Gurudev but adopted and adapted by yours Yuppily:
Where the mind is without migraine
And the bottomline is high.
Where Mallikas are aplenty.
Where time is filled
With takeovers and mergers
Where ends are important
And means aren't.
In that nine to nine Utopia
Let my Yuppies flourish.'
In neighboring Kangal Desh Sillyman Rash Die and Taslima Nasty Reen were getting married.
The simple ceremony concluded with the two of them exchanging Fatwas.
In Ulta Pradesh Garam Singh, the veteran politician of national disrepute, was staring at the ceiling'
Lord Inder switched off the wall to wall TV and looked at Unthonee. 'Well, Tony, I hope you are ready. Close your eyes and I'll transport you to the chamber of Garam Singh in a jiffy,' Lord Inder picked up a fancy looking gizmo and pressed a button. There was a puff of smoke and Unthonee disappeared.
Lord Inder clapped and Rambha, Urvarshi and Menaka resumed their positions.
Garam Singh was sixty years old and of medium height. He was clean shaven, bald and had a huge paunch.
He looked like a frustrated and rather disgruntled version of 'The Laughing Buddha'. His living room was rather 'austere' with a split-air, a Plasma TV, DVD player, wall to wall Persian carpet, a couple of chandeliers and a few other trappings.
As soon as you entered a life size portrait of Garam Singh glared at you from the opposite wall. Anjali Ullu Menon, the famous artist, had been specially commissioned to create that work of abstract art. On the opposite wall, MacBull Hussain's famous donkeys created a surrealistic impact.
Garam Singh's wife and daughter had gone to his in-laws' place and he was alone. Dressed in a white dhoti and kurta he was indulging in his pet avocation.
There was a surreptitious cough and Garam Singh found his servant Gangu standing on one leg.
'Yes ?' he snapped. He was quite irritated.
He hated being disturbed when he was indulging in his favourite pastime of staring at the ceiling.
'Saab, there is a young man to see you.'
He has given his card to me,' Gangu said in his chaste Bihari handing over a visiting card to Garam Singh.
Garam Singh looked at the card: 'Unthone Muni Special Correspondent Swarag Samachar?' he read out aloud. 'Must be mad. Kick him out. I don't want to be disturbed. Can't you see I am very busy?'
Just then a young man entered.
He was clad in faded blue jeans and T-shirt, he had a guitar in his left hand and was sporting a ring in his right ear.
'Jai, Jai Inder ! Mr. Garam Singh, you don't know me but I know all about you. I am Unthonee Muni to strangers but Special Investigator Tony to friends like you.'
'Where did you land from?'
'I have come from Heaven Unlimited. I am the Special Correspondent of Swarag Samachar, the hottest selling Tabloid in Heaven. After the sudden death of my pop Narad Muni I got the appointment on compassionate grounds.'
'You have actually come from Swarag ?' Garam Singh asked.
'What do you think? I am bullshitting or what? I have come to Ulta Pradesh on a Special Mission.'
'Can you tell me what that special mission is or is that a secret?'
'No, no, GS, of course I can tell you. There cannot be secrets between future pals like us. The fact is that my boss Lord Inder has landed himself in a real mess.'
'He has had a massive fight with his boss Brahma, the Chairman of Heaven Unlimited.'
'Actually after Brahma's retirement Inder was scheduled to become the Chairman, but Brahma made his adopted son Ratan, the Chairman designate. With this Lord Inder's fate has been sealed. Now he will have to retire as Director Corporate Planning.'
'Lord Inder must be terribly frustrated.'
'You bet your..'I mean, of course, he is. He has applied for voluntary retirement but his application has not been accepted.'
'Brahma wants him to resign so that he is denied the benefits of voluntary retirement.'
'But I thought Brahma had ego problems only with Vishnu and Mahesh and Inder was his favourite chamcha.'
'A year back Swarag Samachar carried a scoop on Brahma. It was alleged that he had taken kick back in an a multi-crore arms deal with a firm from United Hell Undivided. Now, Swarag Samachar is edited by Lord Inder, so obviously Brahma thought that Inder was trying to screw his happiness and was livid with him.'
'But , Tonyjee , that still doesn't explain your coming to Ulta Pradesh.'
'I'll clarify. Actually Inder had been made a secret offer. He has been offered the post of the Chairman of United Hell Undivided. Lord Yama is due to retire after six months and there is no able person who can succeed him.'
'But how is all this connected to your visit here?'
'Before accepting the proposal, Lord Inder wants to study United Hell Undivided. If he does this directly Brahma will come to know and he will put impediments in his way. So Inder is desperately in search of a model place which will give him the real feel of Hell. And you tell me-can there be a better model of Hell than Mera Bharat Mahaan'?'
'I didn't quite get you.'
'I'll explain. You have everything which Satan ordered here: nepotism, terrorism, regionalism, castesim, mandalism, mandirism et al. The only ism that is missing is humanism. You have a delicious pot-pourri of murders, rapes, looting, arson, smuggling, black marketing, rioting etc. You name a crime and you'll find a thousand examples in MBM.'
'Yes, your are right,' Garam Singh said nodding his head. But why have you come to me?'
'If Inder wants to rule successfully in Hell he needs a role model who has survived and triumphed in MBM. And I am quite sure he will not get a better role model than you.'
'That is quite true but I am myself quite frustrated nowadays.'
'Frustrated, and you? I can't believe it. Why the Hell or rather why the MBM are you frustrated? You have everything any man can aspire for - name, fame, health and wealth. You look like a well fed Sumo wrestler. I have heard that you have 16 six digit bank accounts in 16 different banks in 16 different counties of Switzerland.'
Garam Singh jumped up.
'Shh! For heaven's sake, shut up. If CBI comes to know I will be put behind bars for sixteen years.'
'Sorry, GS, but apart from moolah you have also charmed the Goddess of fame. I Have read your name in the Guinness Book of World Records. You hold the record for crossing the floor the maximum number of times. In your thirty year political career you have crossed the floor a record fifty six times.'
'Yes, that is quite true. Guinness people were very happy with my modest achievement,' Garam Singh said bowing his head.
'Apart from this, as a writer too you are quite famous. Your first book The subtle art and abstract science of crossing floors has broken all sales records. Even in heaven we received a few pirated copies.'
'Yes you are right. And I wonder if you know that my second book How to take kickbacks and move forward has been translated into all the Indian languages as well as Swahili, Hebrew and Gothic.'
'And I also heard that your latest work Ignited Behinds went into second reprint the very day it hit the stands.'
'Correct, in fact Steven Speelburgher has already approached me to make a horror film loosely based on the book.'
'Than with so much in your kitty why are you frustrated?'
'Actually I still haven't been able to achieve my real ambition in life.'
'To sing like Hamesha Resham?
'That I can anytime. All I have to do is to ask my wife to sit on my throat and twist my arm.'
'Then what is that dream that you are unable to fulfill.'
'My ambition is to become the chief Minister of Ulta Pradesh. I have tried everything under the sun to achieve this goal. I have changed parties, ideologies, camps, everything. I have even gone to Tirupathi Balaji at my own expense not once but twenty nine times. But success has still eluded me. Scores of times I have come immensely close to realizing my ambition, but something or the other has happened at the last minute denying me that which I want most in my life. In fact I suspect there is a conspiracy?'
'Yes, an international conspiracy. I suspect the presence of a foreign hand, either the LTTE or the ISI.'
'ISI is more likely. My sources inform me that even in Hell they are busy hatching plots. Anyways, what are you now planning to do to achieve your ambition?'
'My family astrologer has predicted that my stars are soon to enter a favorable phase. All I have to do is to think of a suitable strategy to achieve my mission.'
'Then I shouldn't disturb the flow of thoughts of a mighty brain like yours. I am pushing off but I'll be in constant touch.'
Unthonee Muni left and Garam Singh, a thoughtful expression on his massive map, began pacing the floor.
Suddenly his face lit up and he jumped. Archimedes in a similar situation had shouted 'Eureka!' but Garam Singh, being handicapped by his lack of knowledge of a foreign tongue and being a true nationalist, shouted, 'Mil gaya! Mil gaya!' He grabbed his cell and began punching numbers furiously.
'Hello , Dushyant, beta Dude, listen, I have just had a brilliant idea. I can't tell you the details now. ISI may have had my cell tapped. We have to call an urgent meeting in my house tomorrow morning sharp at ten. We have to call all our well wishers. Yes, Yes, Lala Dharamseth, Moong Dal, Garib Das, Fakir Chand'. no, no, we will not involve Pappu Singh or Mayabatti right now. Their credentials are still suspect. Don't forget Lala. In fact, it would be better if you could go to his house and invite him personally.'
The next day Unthonee Muni entered the office of Garam Singh at ten minutes to ten.
Garam Singh got up to welcome him. 'I am glad you could come, Tonyji. Today I am going to make a very important announcement.'
Just then a young man of around thirty entered and touched Garam Singh's feet. He was slim and tall and was clad in a khadi kurta and pajama.
'Come, beta Dude. Meet Unthonee Muni. Last night I told you about him. Now he is one of us.'
Dude and Unthonee shook hands. They moved to a corner and started talking. 'I heard you have done your doctorate in the US of A. What was the topic of your thesis?'
'Ethics and morality in Indian politics'an in depth study.'
Just then an old man of around sixty entered. He was clad in a dhoti and kurta. He had a longish face with a beak of a nose and close set eyes.
'Who is this old man?' Unthonee asked Yuppy.
'He is Lala Dharamseth. Among Garam Singh's friends he is the shrewdest. At one time both were arch enemies, but now they have united against their common foe - Samaj Sewak, the Chief Minister of Ulta Pradesh.'
'Who are the other guys?' Unthonee asked looking around.
'The one in the green safari suit sporting that hideous looking gold chain is Garib Das. He is one of the richest contractors in Ulta Pradesh. The thin lanky fellow, beside him in Fakir Chand. A one time smuggler, he is now a full time politician. He has several side businesses in Dubai and Saudi Arabia and has the vote of the minority community in his pocket. That short, fat fellow in that obnoxious jacket is Moong dal. He was a dacoit once. Garam Singh persuaded him to retire from active dacoity and join politics. These three are the old faithfuls. They have followed Garam Singh on his interminable floor crossing expeditions.'
The group occupied the chairs strewn around and Garam Singh, after clearing his throat for the nth time, said, 'Friends and fellow suffers, the time has come to shed this yoke of slavery. It is time for a total revolution. The corrupt, inefficient and utterly ineffective government of Janta Khichdi has been fooling the public for a long time. It is high time it gave us a chance.'
'But wasn't he a minister in the same government a month back?' whispered Garib Das to Fakir Chand.
'Sh! There might be something in it for us,' whispered back Fakir Chand.
Garam Singh by now was in his elements and homilies were tumbling out.
'My dear friends, we should listen to the wails of Bharat Mata, the cries of her suffering children. The time has come for us to act. We can't just sit quiet and allow these hooligans to rape our motherland. We have to pick up the gauntlet and strike while the iron is hot . . .'
Garam Singh continued in the same vein, judiciously mixing clich's with rhetoric, and after an hour and thirteen minutes declared: 'Keeping in mind the abject state of the economy, the miserable condition of our polity and the sufferings of millions of our brothers and sisters, we have to act with courage and fortitude. For the sake of the hungry, wretched millions, we have to take a pledge of restoring the lost glory of our country. Keeping these issues in mind I have come to a decision,' he paused for effect and declared dramatically, 'I have decided to launch a new party.' He looked around. There was burst of applause.
'Very good, very good. What will be the name of this party?' asked Lala.
'We should think of a name which will touch an emotional chord in the people,' suggested Garib Das.
'The name should be modern and should have global connotations,' said Fakir Chand.
'I have an idea. Why don't we call this party Congress Alpha? This will not only give the party a modern and international image, it will also open up further opportunities in the future,' suggested Dude.
'New opportunities?' inquired Lala.
'Yes. When our party splits in future, as it is bound to with so many intellectuals in it, we can call the factions Congress Theta, Congress Gama, Congress Lamda ' right up to Congress Omega.'
'Very good, very good,' said Lala, the newspaper headline 'Lala Dharamseth launches Congress Omega,' already flashing in front of his eyes.
'What will be the manifesto of the party?' queried Moong Dal.
'The party will not have any manifesto,' said Dude. 'Instead, we will have Ten Commandments.'
'Ten Commandments?' questioned Lala.
'Yes, like: Thou shalt not cross floors. Thou shalt not go on more than thirteen foreign tours per month. Thou shalt not appoint more than thirteen of thy relatives to Government posts. Thou shalt not accept suitcases from brokers/contractors without verifying their credentials. Thou shalt not fall prey to sting operations unleashed by the media. Thou shalt not get completely drunk in Page 3 parties, etc. ' explained Garam Singh. 'Will our party concentrate only on Ulta Pradesh or will it go national?' asked Garib Das.
'For the time being we will concentrate on Ulta Pradesh. As far as the future is concerned, let's wait and see,' answered Garam Singh, almost seeing the TV breaking news 'Garam Singh sworn in as the nineteenth Prime Minister of the country'.
'What will be our party's election symbol?' asked Moong Dal.
'We should select a symbol which is modern, popular, secular and global like the name of our party.' suggested Garib Das.
'On this issue, Dude and I have debated quiet a bit and have come to the conclusion that the ideal symbol would be the 'idiot box',' declared Garam Singh.
'You mean TV?' inquired Garib Das.
'Yes, TV - the magnificent obsession of the masses. It is the greatest opiate, far more potent than even religion,' said Garam Singh.
'Whenever the voter switches on his TV set he will be reminded of Congress Alpha. The advertising blitzkrieg unleashed by the TV manufacturers would serve as ideal publicity material for us,' explained Dude.
'And when our party splits, the symbol of Congress Beta can remote, the symbol of Congress Theta may be cable, and so on,' suggested Fakir Chand.
'Okay, now that all the basics are finalised, what is the next course of action?' queried Lala
'We now have to call a press Conference and give the good news to the masses.
Their days of depression, despondency and despair are over. With Congress Alpha here, can Utopia be far behind?' declared Garam Singh.
'When shall we call the Press Conference?' asked Fakir Chand.
'Tomorrow evening,' said Garam Singh. 'Dude, you make all the arrangements.'
'GS, we have completely missed one vital issue,' said Lala.
'Which one?' asked Garam Singh.
'Money. Where are we going to get the funds from?'
'Lala, I am glad that you mentioned this. I hadn't quite forgotten. You are absolutely right. We need a lot of money. I was thinking of roping in Nakli Wdia, the Chairman of Mumbai Dying as our financier. In fact, I have already dropped hints and he has agreed.' Explained Garam Singh.
'But why should he be interested?' asked Lala.
'Like all successful and ambitious businessman, he too needs political patronage. And as you might be aware, Sewak has been cultivating Nakli Wadia's arch rival Chalubhai Marjani, the Chairman of Unreliable Industries. So, obviously Nakli is also looking for political Godfathers. Moreover, right now he is interested in acquiring a plot of land for setting up a petrochemicals plant. I have offered him a large plot of land in my village in exchange for his financial backing,' elaborated Garam Singh.
There was a burst of applause and the meeting broke up. Drinks were served and the members of Congress Alpha started talking among themselves.
'Listen, Garib,' whispered Fakir Chand. 'We have to plan properly. If the two of us unite, we can both become ministers.'
'Yes, you are right. Tonight itself let us go to Dude's house. You propose my name for Ministry of Industry and I'll propose your name for Health,' suggested Garib Das.
'Why should I take Health? If you are getting Industry I should at least get Commerce,' snapped Fakir Chand.
'Lala, I need your blessings and support. After all when I become Chief Minister you will be my deputy,' whispered Garam Singh to Lala.
'Of course, of course,' gushed Lala embracing Garam Singh. 'I am always with you.'
The meeting ended with Unthonee taking photographs of the luminaries present.
The time was twenty one hours. Unthonee was sitting in his room. There was a table in front of him on which were strewn glossy magazines, scribbling pads, newspapers and pens. He had been dialing Lord Inder on his private Cell but hadn't been able to get through. Finally he heard a 'sing tone' : Bidi jalailey jigar se piya, jigar ma badi aag hai'
'Wow what a raunchy tune! Boss is really rocking'. Unthonee thought.
'Hello, Lord Inder.'
'Good evening, boss, Tony here. Sorry to disturb you. I have a sensational scoop for the Sunday Supplement of Swarag Samachar. I have been trying for the last two hours but your Cell was continuously engaged. You were probably talking to Rambha, Urvashi or Menaka.'
'Shut up, you fool. If the old woman hears this all Hell will break loose. You know how possessive she is, just the other day a new female had come ' Diva Bharati. She was really sexy. Hers was actually a borderline case. She could have very well gone to Hell. But by bribing Phunsi Ram, the Human Resource Minister of Yama, I managed to get her into heaven and made her my private secretary. I don't know how my wife got wind of it. She immediately approached her uncle Yama and got that cute little, itsy-bitsy thing transferred to Hell. So you better watch your tongue and instead of bullshitting, tell me why you have disturbed me at this unheavenly hour?'
'Boss, can I speak freely? I hope Brahma has not got your Cell tapped.'
'The moron doesn't have the brains. You tell me about the scoop.'
'Sir Garam Singh has launched a new party. He calls it Congress Alpha.'
'Good, get all the lowdown. It will make a nice story. But what about the secret mission? Have you forgotten?'
'No, boss, not at all. I am gathering as many facts as possible. I will send you the details by email as an attachment.'
'But hurry up. Time is running out. Remembers you have not been sent down to enjoy a honeymoon. Get on with your job and come back fast. And don't fantasize too much about Rambha, Urvashi and Menaka. Your rating depends upon your performance on this project.'
Lord Inder switched off.
Unthonee got up and started pacing the floor.
'The old fox seems really frustrated. Not reaching base one with Diva must have hurt him like hell. I better jot down all the points and send my report pronto, otherwise he'll screw up my appraisal and my promotion will go for a six.'
Dude looked at his watch. It was sharp eight. The Banquet hall of the Hotel Kafila was packed. All the luminaries from the Fourth Estate were present. Representatives of the print as well as the electronic media had all turned up thanks to his efforts. He had rung up each editor/correspondent personally and invited him/her to attend the meet. And it looked like his hard work had paid off.
Dude took the mike and started addressing the gathering. 'My dear friends from the media, Shri Garam Singh is slightly delayed. He had gone to Heera Panna slums to kiss the babies of the slum dwellers. There, as he took a baby in his arms, the little one impressed and overawed by the occasion promptly answered nature's call. Garam Singh has rushed home for a change of clothes. Until he comes pleases enjoy your drinks and a very special programme being presented in your honor.' Dude paused and declared dramatically: 'A sizzling 'item number' by the one and only Sofia.'
Sofia slithered on to the dais fully clothed and to the tune of a Anoop Lota bhajan remix began gyrating and shedding her clothes. Just as she reached her last slip, Garam Singh entered and the Press Conference started.
Garam Singh took the mike and began his speech.
'My dear friends, I am very happy to be here before you once again. Without wasting time on formalities let me give you the terrific news. I and a few of my like-minded friends have decided to launch a new party and have named it Congress Alpha. This will be a party with an entirely new ideology, new value system, new ethos, new vision and new mission. We have prepared a press brief which will give all the details. I invite you to join me for dinner and we can interact over plates ofHamami Tangdi Kabab, Kadai mein mast hua murg musallam, Dahi mach ke andar ubla hua kaddu and other mouth watering delicacies prepared by Tarla Halaal, the talented Chef of this hotel.'
Members of the fourth estate pounced on the food and the conference ended amidst sounds of bites, belches, gulps and slurps.
The next day Garam Singh was sitting in his office going through the newspapers.
Dude entered and on seeing him Garam Singh gnashed his teeth and snarled:
'What is this, Dude? Not a single photo of mine! Just look at the papers-every single paper features that damn Sofia in various stages of undress. I haven't seen the T.V. news this morning but I am sure there too that goddamn item female must have reigned supreme.'
'My dear and respected FFIL, you are not quite right. First take the print media. Just read the stories. The Slime of India, has brought out a special supplement sponsored by 'Virodh Sanitary Napkins' and 'Kakkaji Condoms', on the Congress Alpha, The Hindian Impress and The New Bharat Times both carry editorials devoted entirely to you and Congress Alpha. The copy is all about you. And, pardon me for saying but Sofia in a state of dress or undress is definitely more appealing than you. Believe me, her photos must have attracted much greater attention that yours.'
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